2011-03-31 - 11:52 a.m.

A friend of mine recently asked me, �So, kids? Are they worth it?� My knee jerk reaction to this question was, �yes of course!� I mean what kind of jaded asshole would point to their baby and say (in operatic falsetto), �miiiiistaaaaaaake!� But it made me think about the bigger question, the real question. The question we all ask ourselves, �How much will this change my life?�

When P and I were dating, engaged and finally married, kids were in the bigger picture but always in the abstract. We never discussed when, how many, what sex we would prefer� they were Picasso�s. If it had been left up to P we would have had 6 already� but it wasn�t. I was the hold out. I liked our life as it was. We could travel, I could buy $400 handbags without guilt, and it was uncomplicated. However, there came a time when sentences like, �when are you having kids?� or �you aren�t getting any younger�� started getting bandied about. The fact that I was a few years from forty and the sell- by date of my eggs was rapidly approaching brought the situation to a head.

Conversations were held:
Me: so? Uh, what do you think?
P: Uh, yeah? Do you feel ready?
Me: �
Me: do you?
P: �
Lather, rinse, repeat� for a year. Finally we just sucked it up and said, �Fine, let�s give it a shot� and took the goalie out of the net, so to speak. Based on other people�s experiences we naively thought it would take months to get to the positive pee stick stage. Not for us! First shot across the bow and I get knocked up. So yeah, mission accomplished, I guess.

For the first couple of months of pregnancy everyone tries to hide their pregnancy. For that brief period you share a little secret with the father and that brings you close. You don�t look any different, you don�t feel that much different (I didn�t have morning sickness, but I was gassy as hell) but you know that everything is different. I worked really hard to prove pregnancy wouldn�t change me. I was still working hard, going to the gym four days a week and wasn�t packing on weight. In fact, I managed to not look pregnant until I was about 6 � months. Looking back I don�t know who I was trying to impress or why I felt I had to be so hard core but I was.

Then Stella was born and I felt like I had to prove I was ON THIS MOTHERSCRATCHER! I was the valedictorian of motherhood. �Oh, you haven�t taken a shower in two days? Bitch, I cleaned the house top to bottom, took the baby for a walk, taught her to read, cooked four days worth of meals and rebuilt the extension out back this MORNING!� Yeah. I was that person. I was a casserole of hormones in overdrive.
Then sometime around Stella�s second month it sunk in that I was someone�s mother and I relaxed into a calm, only slightly less OCD, existence. You could still have eaten out of my toilet.

The eight months that I stayed home with Stella were eight of the best months I have ever had. Sure there were days that smacked of boredom. But they were followed by the day that Stella first smiled or rolled over on her own. There is an amazing amount of satisfaction seeing your child find their way in the world. She makes me laugh every single day. I miss her when I am at work and when she runs at me yelling mamamamama when I pick her up from day care� well it makes this Grinchy heart grow three sizes.

Has having a child changed me? Of course it has; but in a way I hadn�t considered. It didn�t make me into the soft, slightly tasered looking Stepford Parent that you just want to slap. No, it made me into a calmer, stronger, better version of myself. The version I was meant to be.

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