2006-05-01 - 3:57 p.m.

An open letter to my new neighbors:

Dear young couple in 5D,
It seems that you are new to this whole living in an apartment thing. Allow me to give you a few pointers to help ease your transition from dorm/ parent’s house living to sharing a wall with strangers.

• If you can hear us… we can hear you. In fact, I can hear you with our television on. I am not sure if you meant for me to hear how far in credit card debt you are and how long it has been since your last haircut but I did.
• It is never appropriate to vacuum after 11 PM. Well, unless you have dropped a glass and you are vacuuming up glass shards. However, I doubt this is the case (unless that glass has shattered into every room) as you tend to get very thorough.
• Just because you need to get up at 6 AM on a Saturday does not mean your neighbors need to get up at 6 AM on Saturday. Shut the fuck up!
• When coming in or out of your apartment there is no need to slam the door to ensure it closes properly. I assure you that it will close on its own accord.
• If you have made the decision that your dirty stinky work clothes are not to be worn into the house could you not leave them on your doorstep for us to deal with?
• What the hell are you building next door? The constant hammering coming from 5D is maddening. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was during the day… but after 11 PM on Sunday is just rude.
• Just because the fire escape goes to the roof does not mean you have “roof access” and it is not to be used as a roof deck for your paint ball games or whatever the fuck you are doing up there… again, after 11 PM. (are you people vampires?)
• This I thought was common sense but I will break it down to you. If you are in the apartment and the other one is on the ground floor do not scream down to them. You may also want to relay this to your friends when they came over as apparently they are not aware of this rule either.
• If you ask me if you are being too loud and I say yes then continue to be a loud mother fucker… then I reserve the right to kick you down the stairs. Deal?

I hope you have found these to be helpful hints. I know it can be difficult when you are young and playing house, which is why we let shit go for the first few weeks of your nonsense. But now you have no excuse so I suggest you print this out as a helpful reminder and attach it to your refrigerator so we can live in “peaceful” harmony.
Yours truly,
Libbyfish family
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