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2005-08-10 - 2:24 p.m. Wow, I have been getting some really weird Google hits lately. Yesterday I was Googled for “CHRYSLER CORDOBA COMMERCIAL”, complete with the screaming capital letters. Last week I was Googled for “fat midget chicks”. I am sure the person that came through to libbyfish was sorely disappointed in the sheer lack of “fat midget chicks”. Maybe if I type “fat midget chicks” enough I will become the number site for “fat midget chicks”. That ought to do it… I will sit back and wait for the pervs that enjoy “fat midget chicks” to become regular readers. WELCOME! Hey! Have I mentioned that I am getting married? Remember when I promised to not become that person that talks incessantly about her wedding? Yeah, all bets are off. It is now six and a half weeks until the day and I have been way too lax in my organizing so I am having mild panic attacks hourly. Seriously, people have been getting married for centuries so how has this process not been streamlined? Between picking out the cake, the menu, invitations, dress fittings, floral arrangements, choosing gifts and shopping for some of the most uncomfortable underwear I don’t have time to work! I am of the low maintenance variety, so I have no idea how these people that are obsessed with their weddings can function outside of their planning. Enough about that… I start to bore myself after awhile. I just want to marry P, go on our honeymoon, live happily ever after and we’ll leave it at that. Damn, we need a vacation. Remember that crazy person that told me I should do some coke for my wedding? Ok, someone else emailed me and seconded that emotion. WTF? I have never done coke nor do I ever intend to… the closest I ever came was when I made my sister snort salt. What!? I was watching some show (probably Charlie’s Angels) and they were cutting coke with a credit card on a mirror. I asked my dad what it was and he told me it was salt. The people on the show seemed to be having a really good time after they snorted it so I thought it would be a good idea to do it one day after school. (This is where you admonish my parents for working and forcing their children to run wild in the streets because they are latchkey kids… oh and for letting them watch programs like that when they were young and impressionable.) So I poured a pile of Morton’s iodized salt on the hand mirror my mom used when she plucked her eyebrows and got my dad’s credit card off of his bureau and set about “cutting” it… just like they did on TV. We weren’t fancy enough to have silver straws so I had to improvise with a bendy straw. I knew we had to hurry up because my mom was going to be home soon and we had to get the credit card and mirror back where they belonged. My sister, being the ever annoying little sister, was begging to try it first. To shut her up I handed her the bendy straw and offered her the first line. As soon as she snorted she started screaming and crying and of course her nose started to bleed. Right on cue, my mother opens the door and sees our “works” and immediately starts freaking out that her eight year old has procured illicit drugs. I had no idea what she was so upset about… I mean we use salt everyday what was the big deal? When she realized that it was just table salt she got all up in my Kool-Aid for letting her do it. Of course, as any eight year old in trouble would do, I lied and told her that I ran into the kitchen when I heard her screaming. I totally thought she would believe that a four year old could up with this on her own. She didn’t buy it and tried to make me feel all guilty for giving my sister a brain hemorrhage and possibly brain damage. Whatever, she seemed fine to me.
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