2005-03-31 - 11:34 a.m.

How was everyone’s Easter? Did you paint eggs and wait for Jesus to turn up? We did, he never showed though. That is so like him… so we ate his portion of a leg of lamb. Oh, don’t be silly of course I cooked it first, geez, what do you think P and I are? If you guessed werewolves you would be right. Did anyone notice the full moon this weekend? Did you also notice that your chickens were gone? I have no idea what that means. Hello, welcome to the libbyfish freestyle entry.

Can I get an Amen? CAN I GET AN AMEN???
No, I have not received more Christian spam… libbyfish and P went and got religion last night. P and I decided we wanted a church wedding (hypocritical I know) and we found a really nice looking one near our apartment but they have a policy of only marrying members. In order to become members, we actually have to go! I cannot remember the last time I attended a church service. But that is not to say I am a heathen. No way. I am a big fan of going out for brunch on Sundays. The way I see it, that is just as big a part of the Sunday service as anything.

We thought that maybe a Wednesday service might be little easier to get to seeing as how we are already awake. Plus, we figured that it wouldn’t be as crowded so we would definitely be able to speak to the Church Lady. As we were walking up to the church P suggested that we sit in the back. That way we could observe and know when to stand, sit, kneel by watching the old ladies up front. But when we walked in I was reminded of the Eddie Izzard bit when he is talking about the Church of England being just a hobby in the UK. “Oh do come in… you’re the only one today.” So we moved a little closer to the front.

I think P thought we might get a get out of church free card because in his mind who would do the service for just two people? But then we were approached by the Reverend that informed us that if we were there for the service we should go sit with the rest of the congregation in the choir pit. Great, already we have been fingered as the newbies because everyone knows that on Wednesdays they sit in the choir pit. Damn. Already have two marks against us. The congregation consisted of us and an old lady. Fantastic. Thank God I have excellent peripheral vision and could see the woman’s movements.

The service was a bit of a novelty because I have never been to a church with a female reverend. I wonder if she is really choosy about what robe to wear and if she wears fancy underwear like I heard judges do. The word you are looking for is aaannnnnywaay, I have to say I think this woman was the matinee Reverend, the understudy if you will. During her sermon she would pause as if trying to remember what came next. She was not a commanding speaker and the sermon was a bit contrived. Something about how we are all like the Apostles after Easter, looking for Jesus in living people or something like that… I had kind of zoned out at that point. I blame it on the Easter flowers on the alter… I swear there were poppies.

But in the end it was like riding a bike, well, not really but for the purposes of this entry it is. I remembered most of the prayers from when I was forced to attend as a child. Although when it came time for Communion I was debating whether or not to go since it had been so long but realized if I just sat there it would definitely be noticed, plus when the Reverend was giving herself Communion the host fell out of her mouth so I figured I can’t do anything more embarrassing as that. Or so I thought… I had on lip gloss and after I took my swig of swill she had to practically break out the Lysol to clean the chalice. Oops.

I have no where to fit this in but I thought it was hilarious. After we walked out P and I had the post mortem and he told me this then… When P took communion the host stuck to the roof of his mouth and he couldn’t get it unstuck so he just kept licking at like a rabid cat. Then when the collection plate started making its rounds (four more people had turned up) I went for my purse but P was quicker than I and said he had it. However, not knowing what the going rate for the collection was he threw in a twenty then secretly swore to himself when he noticed everyone else had only chucked in a couple of bucks. Does that make us more Christian than the others? I like to think so.

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