2005-01-28 - 9:57 a.m.

I have a headache to rival all headaches. If I don’t finish this post it is because I have stroked out. I know what has caused it though… have you ever gotten a headache from resisting the urge to punch someone in the face, twice? Ok, so maybe those anger management classes aren’t working as well as I had hoped.

Those of you not from New York won’t be able to benefit from this but when I got my application in the mail, I quickly set about filling it out and getting that bad boy in the mail. I mean I was already approved…
The Platinum MetroCard
Underneath the streets of New York is a world of
luxury, privilege and service. The Platinum MetroCard
is your invitation to be part of it. With its unique
privileges and outstanding benefits, the Platinum
MetroCard is perfectly tailored to fit the lifestyle
of those folks who are successful, yet still have to
take mass transit.
You'll not only enjoy all the traditional benefits
standard MetroCard holders enjoy, you'll also enjoy
unprecedented class and service. The subway is your
oyster.

Member Benefits:
MTA Miles
Every dollar you spend is a mile earned, redeemable
for tissues and gum.

Elite service
You'll board the train first. And you're guaranteed a
seat without a hobo or sticky residue on it.

Peace of Mind
Leave your bags unattended in the station or on the
train without consequence. And if you see something,
you don't have to say something. (Si ves algo, no
problemo)

Exclusive benefits
Upon entering the station, you'll be handed free
newspapers for your reading pleasure courtesy of Metro
News or A.M.

Comfort
Your seat is your own. You can relax knowing you don't
have to surrender it to the elderly or pregnant.

Hygiene
If you accidentally touch the handrail, just ask your
steward for a complimentary antibacterial towelette.

Public Address? Not for you.
The conductor will personally tell you where the train
is headed - audibly, in clear and understandable
English.

Hassle-free travel
While waiting for your train, take advantage of the
Platinum MetroCard member booths in stations where they haven't been closed.

Honesty
No rehearsed sob stories from panhandlers. They'll
tell you straight out they need money for drugs.

Perks
Complimentary nuts roaming through the train, and a
chance to purchase batteries for $1 from the roving
Duty Free guy.

Service
An experienced MetroCard Swiping Assistant will swipe
your card for you, so you can concentrate on other
things.

Freedom
Take videos and pictures on the subway without being
interrogated.

Feel at home
Upon arriving at your station, the superintendent of
that station will greet you on a first-name basis.

Save time
Expedite your station entrance and exit via the
Platinum member turn-style.

Entertainment
Free live shows for your pleasure, from the sleeping
heroin addict to the untalented saxophonist with AIDS.

Exclusive events
Be among the first to ride the Second Avenue subway
line when it debuts in 2033.

A world of subway privilege awaits. Don't put it off
any longer. To apply for the Platinum MetroCard, stand
near any station entrance and tell people you've
arrived.
Actually I did not write that someone emailed it to me yesterday and I thought it was hilarious!

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