2005-01-20 - 4:52 p.m.

Today I had a star sighting. Well, not a huge star unless you are a fan of America’s Next Top Model, and as my five loyal readers know… I am. There I was standing on the corner of Spring and Lafayette, I look to my left and it’s Mercedes. I thought she would be taller. In my head I thought this story would be more interesting. Sadly it is not, I apologize.

Does anyone know what is going on with the 4 and 5 trains? All week when I got there in the morning the express platform was packed at least ten people deep. Usually I can at least get on the train, it will be tight but there is space. Three times this week I have had to let a train or two go by before I could even attempt to get on. Have two million people suddenly moved to the Upper East Side? Are people being bused in from other boroughs to get on at 86th street? Today I had to literally cram myself into a space that should have only accommodated a 6 six year old. But all those years training with Cirque Du Solei has provided me with the flexibility and muscle strength needed to hover above my fellow commuters standing on one toe with my other leg wrapped around my neck keeping one hand free to read my book. Here is a little visual...
The thing that gets my hackles up in the morning is when the train is packed balls to the walls and some ass clown keeps yelling step all the way in while trying to push himself in. I believe there is a law of physics stating only so much matter will fit into a vacuum or something like that. People like that just make me want to kick them in the head, which I can do since my foot is wedged up near eye level.
Then there is the whole what to do when a seat becomes available conundrum. What is the etiquette? Does the person that is standing directly in front of it get first dibs or should you look around for old or pregnant people? I think usually it is a free for all and you don’t make eye contact with the person next to you as you smugly slide into the seat. On a similar note, if you see an open seat, assess the situation. Is the space larger than your ass? Then go on and make yourself comfortable, if not move on and contemplate doing more lunges and not eating at McDonald’s everyday. I have even made up a little mantra to help you remember… IF YOUR ASS DON’T FIT. YOU CANNOT SIT! (Thanks Johnny Cochran) This happened to me yesterday on my way home. On my right was a very large woman taking up a seat and a half, when the waif of a girl on my left got up this fat bastard with legs the size of my waist shimmied into the seat. Then just to make sure that he used every bit of space… SPREAD HIS LEGS OUT. So I had to get all passive aggressive on his ass and really over do the whole shoving into him when the train came to a stop, just so he knew I meant business. That’s right, you don’t want to mess with me I will fuck your shit up.
The sad thing is I think I have committed every one of those subway sins. To which I say, “Don’t do as I do just do as I say!” I’m just saying.

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