2005-01-18 - 5:11 p.m.

I know I promised I would not become one of those chicks that can only babble about her wedding planning… but this gentle readers is hilarious. Well, I thought it was funny so I will tell you anyway.
Last night was the GREAT BRIDE EXPO. I talked E into coming with me because there was no way P would have even entertained it, plus I really thought this would be a chick thing. As I found out when I was standing in line FOR THIRTY MINUTES that this is also a groom to be event… they were the ones in the VIG badges. I assume that it meant very impotent guy, but it could have been very important groom. I didn’t ask.
The cover to get in was $7 but apparently that was really just a gentle suggestion seeing as how I received about thirty emails offering me two free passes. Never one to waste money I signed up online. After we finally gained admission we were ushered into the ballroom of the Marriott Marquis. This is a huge ballroom but apparently everyone else in the tri-state area also received the free pass emails because it is packed like the 5 train at rush hour. Trying to get down an aisle was like some elaborate obstacle course set up for morons. Women were losing their minds over the “free stuff” they could get, personally they could have it, do I really need a button to wear on my coat that says, “I’m A BRIDE!” The vendors that were there consisted of the cheesiest of entertainment companies, photographers, wedding favor fodder, and David’s Bridal.
Can I just get on a soapbox about David’s Bridal for one second? What is with the mad advertising for their $99 wedding gown sale? Does anyone seriously buy them? I think it is a ploy to get you into their seedy store so they can ply you with some of the most hideous dresses you have ever seen! When my sister was planning her wedding we went in there because my mom likes to leave no stone unturned. “You never know” Actually, we both knew there was no way in hell she was going to find anything worthy at Dogpatch Bridal. Now, I know there will be some backlash, “But I bought my dress there…” But I am not backing down. It could very well be that they do a demographic study on which lines to carry and the one we went to was on the white trash bar graph. Holy cats though! Dresses made of 400% polyester with matching, removable tulle skirt. Dresses that if they were melted down could be recycled into a fiberglass boat and all in that bright white color that flatters no one. Ok, let me kick that soapbox out of the way.
Anyway, back to THE GREAT BRIDE EXPO. E and I did one full orbit of this train wreck and I was ready to leave but she wanted to stay and see the fashion show because there is nothing more entertaining than ugly wedding gowns. We found a seat on the balcony and waited for forty-five minutes for this shin- dig to start. At seven thirty a sketchy looking guy walks out onto the runway and the lights come up; and by lights I mean full on studio 54 disco lights. “Clap your hands everybody, everybody clap your hands… We are XYZ Entertainment Company and we will be entertaining you this EEEEVVVEEENNNNNNNIIIIIIIIING!” At this point I have already collected my stuff and start to get up, E says no, we have GOT to see this. He goes through a whole list of services they offer and short of a happy ending they seem to do it all. “So have all you ladies have beeeeeeeennnn thinkin’ what your song will be?” (Enter the opening bars of that craptacular favorite by from the Bodyguard… I will always love you) “OH, Now that is a greeeeaaaat song. And who sings that song (everyone in crowd starts offering up Whitney Houston) Oohhhhh, that’s right and we have a very special guest for you here tonight. (As if we are all supposed to believe that as part of her community service she has been reduced to singing at wedding events) Whitney come on out (singing starts). Oh wait, that’s not Whitney… that’s our own Michelle. Put it up for Michelle!” She is singing away in a very sparkly hideous dress that I suspect came from David’s Bridal. The woman sitting to the right of me is having some sort of religious experience with Michelle, “Oh, DAMN! That girl can sing. Mmmmhhmmmm.” She was clapping away like a lunatic and for a minute I thought this woman seriously thought it was Whitney, I mean Michelle was white and all but we were in the balcony and maybe she didn’t have her glasses on. Halfway through the song Michelle goes backstage and DJ Sucky McSuckypants starts banging on again about their various bands. The whole time the song is still in the background. “Let’s bring Miiiiiiicheeeellllllle back out… wait! That’s not Michelle, that’s Chaaaaannnnnntel.”
Chantel finishes the song and I am making a move for the door when she says something about teaching everyone the moves to YMCA (Does anyone not know the moves?). I turn around and Chantel, Michelle, DJ Sucky McSuckypants and his sidekick are all in a row forming a letter. Cue the village people.
We didn’t stay for the fashion show.

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