2004-12-03 - 11:58 a.m.

Are there any architects out there that can help me design a plastic bubble? I thought we could use saran wrap and some masking tape. Holy cats! One of our houseguests (actually, not P’s sister, her friend) has come down with tuberculoses (not really I just like to say that). This morning at, oh I don’t know, THE CRACK OF FUCKING DAWN the coughing started. I laid awake listening to the sounds of hacking for at least two hours. I would just start to fall back to sleep, then a coughing fit would start. I know I sound like a harsh bitch and I know she is feeling miserable, but goddamn! I thought I was going to walk out into my living room and find P’s sister trying to shove her friend’s lung back into her mouth.
Is it just me or has this week lingered longer than it should? I feel like I have been sitting at this desk for 13 days in a row. Must be that four-day weekend. It always screws with my work ethic. Basically, because I don’t want to work and when I have extended time off it just reinforces that. Too bad P is not independently wealthy then I could become a lady who lunches, as opposed to a cafeteria lunch lady. Ah well, perhaps my second husband will be able to keep me in the lifestyle to which I want to become accustomed. Just kidding P, it will most likely be my third husband.
This weekend I will be taping my food network audition tape. It’s all very exciting. I want to call the show “stick a fork in it”, like it? I thought it was catchy as well as one of my favorite sayings. Oh course only about 10 people would get that private joke. Ah well.
Anyway, L has got her camera and I will be cooking my heart out on Sunday. Trying to radiate charm and chutzpah while trying not to burn myself or make a complete ass of myself, which let’s face it, I have a tendency to do. Hopefully our houseguests do not have coughing fits in the middle of the taping, really, I am serious about the plastic bubble so if you have the skills… bring it!
As I suspected there has been a lot of talk about this impending wedding. So much talk about where to have it, what I absolutely have to have and what I cannot live without and blah, blah, blah. If I hear the statement, “It should be like a fairytale”, I swear I will stab that person in the head. Twice.
I was thinking I might just start telling people that I really want to have it at the local VFW hall with a grocery store cake (I would splurge and get one baked that day) and an open bar serving nothing but Pabst Blue Ribbon. That would be all right wouldn’t it? I mean no one would think less of me would they? WOULD THEY? What if that is the wedding that I dreamed about when I was a little girl, what if I always wanted to toast my new husband to the sound of clinking beer cans? Although on second thought… we would probably go all out and get those foam can holders.
Sadly, I actually attended a wedding like that once. It was in a town outside Pittsburgh that should have been my first clue. But I drove all the way out there from Michigan and got into town just in time to change and get to the church for the wedding ceremony. The bride’s brother was a friend with my then boyfriend; that is the only reason for my attendance. But I digress, the bride starts down the aisle and the first thing I noticed was her nail polish. Holy cats! It was electric purple and her nails had to have been at least two inches long. The second thing I noticed, she could not stop giggling. Her dad is trying to shush her but she is just giggling like a lunatic all the way down. When she gets to the groom, she started belly laughing. She was drunk. I don’t remember much else about the ceremony other than those two things. But seriously, who gets drink BEFORE the wedding?
The reception was not to follow the ceremony it was to be the next day and I was given directions on how to get to “the park”. If by park you mean bare open space with a pole barn in it, then ok. Yeah, this was an “outdoor” wedding where the bride and groom were wearing t-shirts. The brides had a bit of lace sewn to the front of hers and the groom wore the ever classy tuxedo print shirt. The rest of us were in jeans and WINTER COATS BECAUSE IT WAS FREEZING. Who has an outdoor wedding in Pittsburgh in November? Oh, and who has a wedding that has no bathrooms? We had to use a port a potty.
The wedding feast, I seriously didn’t expect anything after the open bar assortment of Old Milwaukee and wine from a box. But they brought out the chafing dishes and we all lined up buffet style. I opened the first dish and there were French fries, the second held buns, and the third held hamburgers. Nice. Then at the end of the table was an assortment of condiments. I noticed that they did spend a little extra and got the Dijon mustard. I thought that was a nice touch, seeing as how it was their wedding and all.

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