2004-10-21 - 5:05 p.m.

Today I got to experience what it would be like to be in a model at a fashion shoot. One of our magazines wants a photo of everyone that is involved with it. The problem is half are in the US… half in the UK. The solution is a composite photo like the group shot on America’s Next Top Model. Stay tuned to find out if one of us is digitally eliminated week after week.
The photographer took about A THOUSAND photos and told me to change my pose slightly after each one. Janice Dickinson has scarred me for life I think, I just couldn’t stop thinking that the publisher would tell me I didn’t “bring it”, I looked like I had my hand up a rhino’s butt and therefore did not have what it takes to be a top model. Gah!
I am very unphotogenic in a posed situation, I never look right. It has the makings of your first grade photo, weird smile plastered on, eyes unfocused, hair slightly askew and your shirt half untucked. Ok, I went back and read that statement and it makes me sound mentally challenged. I can assure you I do have most of my wits about me. Anyway, we’ll see how they turn out. He was kind enough to show me a couple; unfortunately they were taken with a wide-angle lens so objects appear larger than in person.
Ah Florida, or as I like to call it, God’s Launching Pad, I have always thought of it as the place you go to die. When you reach retirement age you show up at the border, trade in the minivan for a huge white Lincoln Towncar and a tube of coral lipstick with instructions to apply AROUND the lips. I envision old people staying inside all day because they are confused as to whether it is the sun or the light they are meant to walk into after death. My parents have just retired and are now embarking on this rite of passage. Be aware gentle readers, libbyfish’s parents have been put on the deathwatch. You see my parents have just purchased a home in Florida. But not just a house anywhere, no, they bought a house in a retirement community. And when I say community, I mean a whole town, filled with retired people that drive around in golf carts. If you don’t believe me check out this site The Villages, I must say, the mind reels.
In the videos I have been forced to endure over the last several years there are couples in their 50’s and 60’s playing tennis, golfing, swimming and (gulp) line dancing at the local pub. It is billed as retirement utopia. Even though my parents had rented a villa every year under the guise of purchasing, I never fully expected them to do so. Apparently neither did the rental agent that gently asked them not to come back unless they were serious about buying. But the deed has been done as they say and they are frothing with excitement.
They phoned me last night to see if I saw them on CNN. My first thought was senility had set and they thought the guy videotaping his grandkids in the pool was a national news channel. But it turns out that George W. Bush had stopped to stump at The Villages. Apparently there was footage of retirees in their custom golf carts cruising through the town square while he was speaking. Then later that night they went to see a Tom Jones concert at the community’s Savannah Center. Yes, I said Tom Jones. After I stopped mocking them, they told me the sad truth. It wasn’t really Tom Jones… it was a Tom Jones impersonator. Yes, I said a Tom Jones impersonator. Evidently it wasn’t their first time either. Sigh.

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