2004-09-08 - 2:26 p.m.

It all started with the Valentine’s gift from P for a spa day. In the package I could get a body polish or a massage and a facial. I opted for the body polish, I figured if I could get rid of that dull finish my blue book value would immediately increase. I have had this gift certificate for about 7 months now; I have finally decided it was time to get over my fear of going to a spa. I had been to a spa once before… for a bikini wax. All I can say about that was I WAS VIOLATED! I got hot wax in places I wasn’t aware I had. I have never gone back those women scared the shit out of me.

The esthetician brought me back to a darkened room with what looked like doctor’s table (minus the stirrups) covered in tissue paper and towels. She handed me a pair of disposable underwear and told me to get undressed put on the pants and get on the table face down. We were going to do the body polish first. Alrighty, I did as I was told and waited for her to come back in the room. There is something disconcerting about having a complete stranger rub your naked body with salt. She started at my feet and worked her way up my leg… then she was all up in my business. I don’t know about you but the area between my butt cheeks is a restricted area, you need clearance for that. She finished the backside and told me to flip over. There is no way to be modest in this situation. There I am lying supine with only a little hand towel covering up my lower bits and pieces, my boobs were out on display and the esthetician trying to make small talk. Do you realize how hard it is to discuss your recent vacation when there is a woman rubbing salt on your boobs? Anywho, I then get hosed down like some kind of circus animal and go back to the table for the facial.

This time she covered me from shoulder to toe with a blanket, you know, for my modesty. I suspect I looked like a body in the ME’s office on Law & Order. She starts putting all sorts of goo on my face then wiping it off. Then I hear her ripping something off a piece of paper and applies what I am told is an adhesive white tea tree oil mask. There are cut outs for the eyes, nose and mouth she had to arrange it around my features to make it fit right. In my head I am picturing Hannibal Lector. She places some cold wet cotton balls on my eyes and a hot stone under my neck and leaves the room. Probably to laugh at me from the closed circuit monitor they have in their break room. The hot rock was a source of interest to me during this time. I couldn’t stop wondering what did it look like, was it a real rock that was found in some natural spring or was it something fashioned by a licensed “rock maker”? How do they heat it up, was it simply something you could chuck in the microwave or is it done in a pot of boiling water, and how did they know it was hot enough but not too hot? Then inexplicably I wondered who made liquid soap and why. Was it not convenient to pick up or is it because someone in their family never rinsed off the dirt they left on it? So she comes back takes off my cannibal prevention mask and tells me to get dressed. Which is fine but then I am at a loss as to what to do with my disposable underwear. There seems to be no trash bin. Are these mine to keep as some sort of spa souvenir? Should I leave them on the desk at reception? I decided it was best to just chuck them at home so I slipped them in my purse and headed out the door. They may come in handy on laundry day.

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